People! Congress is considering legislation to ban “spam” in our e-mail! This is intolerable. Spam, that processed pork product in a square can, is an American cultural icon. It must be preserved now.
Now, most would say Spam couldn’t be more perfectly preserved if it were bathed in formaldehyde. And I never figured out how one stuffs this stuff into electronic mail.
But no matter. The point is, trademark protection alone won’t save it from extinction. A few years ago, Hormel, the maker of Spam®, virtually gave up on preventing use its trademark as a name for unwanted e-mail. Instead, to protect the mark from becoming generic, like aspirin or escalator, they now simply ask you to refer to their SPAM product in all capital letters and also to use it only as an adjective, as in SPAM luncheon meat. Good advice for all.
Since trademark protection is obviously failing us, it’s time to write to your Senator of choice. For maximum impact, I suggest lifting haiku poetry from www.spamhaiku.com.
A favorite form of appeal is to stress this dying species’ innate beauty:
the sky this morning was rose color like spam splayed on cotton candy
Or, you could remind Congressman Zikmush of its inestimable value as a work of art:
spam shot out of gun hits wall, makes nice splatter sound art deco at its best
Inadequate health insurance and new diseases, now those are big issues these days:
I pondered the spam deep meaning did not arrive but many flies did
But of course, you bleeding hearts see the other side. Remember, Spam has feelings too:
If you utter that you do not believe in SPAM will a SPAM not die?
Yes, this is a verbal weapon that swings both ways. Post 9/11, terrorist fears always evoke a red-blooded legislative response:
Hide in blue tin cave it's O'Spama bin Laden terror becomes you.
Or, grab them quick and hard by images of cyberterror:
spam in my PC my hard drive is all bloated blue can of death now
So, write your Senator and tell her what you think about spam. Or better yet, send her an unsolicited e-mail.