Headline "News"

By Robert W. Payne

12/15/2008

OK, so maybe some news reporting doesn’t really cover “hard news.” CNN’s “Headline News” ain’t what it used to be. And maybe too many 20-somethings got most of their news about the election from Jon Stewart’s fake journalism in The Daily Show on Comedy Central Network. Perhaps we have read too often of Congress spending tax dollars on bridges that go nowhere and of research time and effort devoted for something incredibly unnecessary and seemingly unreal. (But as long as we patent it, no harm no foul, I say.)

If it’s hard to know when fake news is real and if real news sometimes looks fake, then let’s jump into the deep end with some science and technology news from two of my favorite sources: the Ig Noble Awards and The Onion. The former provides awards for research that “should never have been undertaken.” The 2008 awards were just announced, some of which are listed here. The latter puts out a satirical newspaper whose headlines are often hysterical, but, well, fake. Let’s see if you can tell which is which. I’ve changed the (actual) Ig Noble awards into headlines, just for fun.

1. WORLD’S SCIENTISTS ADMIT THEY JUST DON’T LIKE MICE
2. LAP DANCERS EARN HIGHER TIPS WHEN THEY ARE OVULATING
3. MICROSOFT PATENTS ONES AND ZEROES
4. GOOGLE PLANS TO DESTROY ALL INFORMATION IT CAN’T INDEX
5. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER FLEAS JUMP HIGHER ON DOGS THAN CATS
6. SLIME MOLDS “THINK,” SOLVE MAZE, CLAIMS JAPANESE SCIENTIST
7. NASA ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BRING WIFI TO ITS HEADQUARTERS BY 2017
8. CHESS SUPERCOMPUTER BEATEN UP BY MORE POPULAR COMPUTER
9. HIGH-PRICED FAKE MEDICINE WORKS BETTER THAN CHEAP FAKE MEDICINE
10. NEW PAIN-INDUCING ADVIL CREATED FOR PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING, ANYTHING
11. I’M KNOT OK: AGITATED STRINGS SPONTANEOUSLY TIE SELVES UP
12. IS COCA COLA AN EFFECTIVE SPERMICIDE? U.S. SCIENTISTS PROVE IT IS; CHINESE SCIENTISTS PROVE IT ISN’T
13. PEREGRINE FALCON FEELING PRETTY COCKY SINCE BEING TAKEN OFF ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
14. NOTED ECONOMIST SOLVES GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS WITH EASY FIX: MOVE DECIMAL 4 PLACES TO LEFT ON ALL DEBTS

Well that last one was both fake news and about an imaginary event. But we can dream, can’t we? But if it were true, maybe that economist would get a real Nobel Prize. If you are interested in finding out which headlines were fake, from The Onion, and which are headlines of true research findings that won a 2008 Ig Nobel Award, look in the “Exciting Firm News” section.